“Time Squared” Ep. 13 Season 2 TNG

This episode is REALLY creepy in that there is a mute, almost non-functioning duplicate of Picard. It is very, incredibly disturbing. 

At one point in his life, Picard was going to marry a girl. But he, like so many one-day-captains before him, chose to pursue a life in space over a life with the love of his life.

So anyway, she shows up again and her husband’s been playing around with space and time… the 4th dimension. 

Data eventually solves the problem, and the “time skips*” stop occurring.

*FUTURAMA

OBSERVATIONS
In simulations, Picard’s ex-lover used to have a French accent. Yet when we’re introduced to her in the present, she has NO FRENCH ACCENT. Which brings up a good point: Why does Picard have a British accent? And then it occurs to me… Universal Translator? Holy FUCKING hell… Is Picard speaking in French this entire time?! OH GOD. IT’S SICKENING.

how do you make the salem witch trials boring?

STAR TREK HAS FOUND A WAY.

Also, apparently the devil really existed. His name was actually Lucien, and, you guessed it! He was an alien.

They go back in time and Spock ceases to exist. 

Also, they bring back the Guardian, which was the Stargate like time travelling thing used in that one episode where McCoy goes insane from an overdose and then rushes through the transporter and then through a time gate. 

Also, apparently Andorrians are bastards but they care a lot about families. Just like some other cruel bastards I know about… the Cardassians.

Two awesome things about this episode:

1) Spock travels back in time so that he can save his own life (I love these episodes; there’s an episode like this in TNG concerning my favorite Klingon family).

2) We get to meet Spock’s childhood pet, the one that his mother explained to Dr. McCoy as being something like a teddybear, and then Dr. McCoy made fun of Spock.

His pet ends up dying though! Which is kind of sad. I wonder if perhaps this episode was made to make it easier for children to deal with the deaths of their own pets.

It’s a library… full of PEOPLE! Well, maybe not so much people as events. Past events. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy get stuck in the past of the planet they landed on. 

Kirk gets trapped in a world that kind of looks like the Pirates of the Caribbean, the water ride at Disneyland when you’re being pulled through the town. I should clarify, there are no actual pirates. 

Spock and McCoy end up stranded in a world that looks like the world Spock gets stuck on in the alternate universe: Hoth-like. They get sent back to the Ice Age.

BACKTRACK!

Okay, so the people of the planet they landed on realize that their star will supernova. So they create a technology that allows them to go back in time to any point in their planet’s history. Kind of elegant, actually, when you stop to think about it.

Only thing of interest, I suppose, is that because McCoy and Spock end up going back 5000 years, Spock somehow reverts into whatever it was Vulcans were like 5000 years ago. Sounds like BS, but it has some interesting results. Spock begins to act more like a Romulan. Not only does he fall in love with a woman (yay for Kirk not being the only person who gets to fall in love with things!) but he becomes physically violent against McCoy, which ends up providing some pretty awesome still shots that almost make it look like they’re about to start making out. Yo, but only if you’re into that sort of thing.

I think this might have been one of the first episodes I saw willingly. I have memories of watching this in my basement, and I haven’t watched television down there in years. 

Essentially, the Enterprise crosses into forbidden territory. When Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, and Chekov beam down to a new planet they’re investigating, they get locked into a world that mimics exactly those of 19th century Earth… it’s the O.K. Corral and in like, 5 hours, there’s going to be a shoot out. And they are going to die.

Also some hot babe keeps making out with Chekov, which is hilarious because 1) I don’t find Chekov attractive and 2) he has a ridiculous accent! Regardless, Chekov get’s shot and dies! Or does he?

The rest of the gang tries to divise a way to not fight the battle, but they can’t. They literally can’t. Spock theorizes that the world they’re in is simulated, and they can only die if they think they’ve been killed. So Spock mind melds with EVERYONE (slut) and nobody thinks that they’ve been killed and stay alive. It turns to hand to hand combat, and Kirk has an opportunity to kill someone, but he chooses not to.

The aliens beam everyone back aboard the Enterprise (Chekov never died!) and they express an interest in getting to know the Federation better since the Federation is composed of people who aren’t killers. Yay!

I have to admit something… I’ve never watched Doctor Who. 

That being said, it seems like the rando person they spend most of the episode surrounding, Gary Seven, would be a great Doctor. He looks like he would have a british accent (although he doesn’t), his last name IS a number, he transports to random places, he has a lot of cool gadgets, and he also has a pet cat. I don’t know if any of the doctors ever had cats, but it seems like they would. Anyway, Gary Seven is one of “earth’s supervisors” because 4000 years ago humans were abducted by aliens and fostered for some reason. 

Also, apparently the show’s writers wanted to give Gary Seven his own show, but I’m just wondering WHY they decided that he needed a CAT. Cat’s usually aren’t sidekicks. It’s just such a ridiculous choice… I guess 1968 really was a dangerous year to be alive.

Also, also: if humans really were abducted 4000 years ago, wouldn’t they NOT be white?  I’m pretty sure (and I just looked it up) that the culture furthest along was in Egypt. They literally had a dynasty going. Though I suppose if I was an alien going to abduct people, I’d make sure they were as dumb as possible. I guess it doesn’t really make much of a difference, because they probably kidnapped babies :(

The Enterprise goes back in time because they really wan to mess up the timeline. No, so they’re really just supposed to be watching earth during the year 1968 and trying to determine how in hell we all survived. I’m going to guess the summer of 69 helped. 

Also, it’s really pissing me off how many people freak out when they see Spock’s ears. Has no one ever seen a birth defect? And I mean, they’re ears! All ears look different. GAH. SO ANNOYING. 

SUBTITLE
Hey! It’s Star Trek! In Chicago!!!

QUOTE
KIRK: What do you want?
KID: A piece of the action
SPOCK: You do not even know what the action is going to be.
KID: I figure it gotta be a thick percentage or you wouldn’t be trying to hit Krako.
SPOCK: Logical.
krako’s one of the mob bosses and this kid helps cause a distraction for Kirk and Spock to gain entrance to Krako’s headquarters.

PLOT
McCoy, Spock, and Kirk end up on a planet that has modelled itself in the image of 1930s Chicago. There are two warring gang leaders/mob bosses and they both want the Federation’s technology. Hijinks ensue:

OBSERVATIONS
I like this episode; indeed, this may be the only time travelling episode I actually like. But I think my affinity is due mostly to the fact that I am from Chicago.

SUBTITLE
Not needed, because it’s first title is already ridiculous. 

QUOTES
“Edith Keeler must die.” - Spock

PLOT (stolen directly from Netflix)
Dr. McCoy travels back to 1930s America and inadvertently destroys the future. To reverse the damage, Kirk and Spock also go back, and Kirk falls in love. 

PLOT (added by my own recollection)
They all travel back in time by walking through portals in rock formations. It’s kind of like a Stargate set-up. Kirk falls in love with a women who actually needed to die. If she lived, she would have prevented wars within the 20th century, which would have stalled our technological development, and we would have never developed time travel. So Kirk has to watch her get run over by a truck.  

OBSERVATIONS
Isn’t it sad when you have to die for the future to proceed in a productive way? Like, who the hell wants to know that if they live, the future’s going to suck? God, this episode is such a great motivation for suicide. It’s probably good I’ve never run into Kirk, Spock, or McCoy. That would ROYALLY PISS ME OFF, and also probably key me into the fact that I’m about to die soon. 

SUBTITLE
“This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip!” -Futurama’s Philip J. Fry, from “The Farnsworth Parabox” episode

QUOTES
“Very typical, Captain. Iron-Silicon base. Oxygen-Hydrogen atmosphere. Largely arid. No discernible life. No surprises.” - Spock commenting on the planet at the center of this episode… FAMOUS. LAST. WORDS. 

SPOCK: “Twice, for a split second each time, every thing within range of our instruments seemed on the verge of blinking out.” - Spock
KIRK: “I want facts not poetry Mr. Spock.” 
SPOCK: “I have given you the facts, Captain… the entire magnetic field in this solar system simply blinked. The planet below, the mass at which we’re measuring, attained zero gravity.”
KIRK: “That’s impossible. What you’re describing…”
SPOCK: “Is nonexistence.” 

“I don’t know Jim. This is a big ship and I’m just a country doctor.” - McCoy

“Jim, madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal. He must be stopped, destroyed if necessary.” - Spock talking about Lazarus

PLOT
While gathering data on a new planet (blase stellar cartography), the ship is shaken twice. Spock recounts to the captain that twice everything around the planet, and thus, themselves, nearly blinked out of existence. Also, a humanoid entity appears on the planet at the same time. So a landing crew goes down to check it out. On the surface, a man starts yelling at them from a cliff. He seems to be yelling nonsense, and then he falls off the cliff. They take him back to the Enterprise’s sick bay. The bridge receives a message from central command. A disturbance in normal magnetic, gravimetric, time warps, and radiations were felt in all quadrants of the galaxy, and all appear to have come from the planet the Enterprise was studying. The man who fell down the cliff, Lazarus, is briefed by Kirk as soon as he leaves sick bay, and he tells Kirk that there is an evil monster, in humanoid form, who wants to destroy everything in existence, and he resides on the planet’s surface. Back ON the planet’s surface, Spock informs Kirk that there is no evidence of anything living on the planet, and that Lazarus is most likely lying. Then there’s another disturbance. Lazarus is found on the verge of unconsciousness after the phenomenon, but he is incredibly aggravated and just keeps yelling the word “Kill!” Very annoying. Lazarus is brought back to sick bay, and McCoy notes that Lazarus has what appears to be ridiculous recuperative powers. There’s a deep scratch on Lazarus’s forehead. Then there isn’t. Then there is again. McCoy is deeply puzzled by this. Back on the bridge, there’s a rip in space near the Enterprise. Spock suggests that they can determine the extent of this rip in space using Dilithium crystals. Lazarus freaks out, saying that if he isn’t given Dilithium crystals, the evil entity is going to destroy the Enterprise. 

So Lazarus knocks out two scientists and steals dilithium from the ship. Although, when they question Lazarus about them, he no longer has the dilithium crystals. Lazarus argues that the evil entity has taken the crystals. So they beam down to the planet to try and locate the stolen dilithium. Unfortunately, but predictably, there is another attack.

This time in sick bay, Lazarus explains more things, although it only makes him sound even more crazy. The planet is actually his ship, for travelling through time.

Spock and Kirk theorize that Lazarus is actually two people, and that at least one of those persons is insane. They also theorize that Lazarus is actually two entities, one of matter, and one of antimatter. Meanwhile, at least one of the Lazari is f*cking around with engineering, causing a distraction to steal dilithium crystals. He then assaults someone in the transporter room and beams down to the planet and installs the stolen dilithium crystal into his starship. Kirk gets to Lazarus just in time to stop him, but somehow Kirk is transported to the antimatter universe. There he meets the not insane Lazarus, except, SURPRISE! The not insane Lazarus is in the parallel, antimatter universe. There, finally, everything is explained. This Lazarus discovered a way to travel in between the two universes. Once the other Lazarus discovered that this was possible, he went insane and devoted his entire life to finding and killing his parallel self. Antimatter Lazarus then tells Kirk that what must be done, to avoid the two Lazari meeting in any context besides the pathway between the two universes (which would obliterate everything within the universe), he must send matter Lazarus into the pathway and then destroy the pathways entrance. Essentially, the solution is locking the two Lazari together, even though, due to the one’s madness, they will be fighting for all eternity. Womp Womp. The end.

OBSERVATIONS
This entire episode makes me feel like I’m hypoglycemic. I still have no idea what’s going on, and I’ve seen it two times. SO ANNOYING.

Also, the antimatter universe is basically portrayed as being exactly the same as this universe, except in inverted color.

Also, the Lazari have schizoid personality disorder, if you were curious.

SUBTITLE
standard “avoid-creating-alternative-timeline” affair… a.k.a. SNOOZE FEST 

QUOTES
“I think we have a real UFO on our hands.” - 1960s military person

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 3113.2: We were on route to star base 9 for resupply when a black star of high gravitational attraction began to drag us towards it. It required all warp power in reverse to pull us away from the star. But like snapping a rubber band, the break away sent us plunging through space, out of control, to stop here. Wherever we are.” - Kirk
SURPRISE! You’re in the past. Womp womp.

PLOT
[Let me just state here that I hate time travelling episodes. Especially when they travel back in time. Less than my hatred for omnipotent obnoxious douche bags (Q), but more than my hate for changelings, retrograde time travel episodes just really piss me off]

So the Enterprise arrives above North America in the late 1960s. A fighter pilot flies towards the Enterprise, either trying to bomb it or make first contact (I wasn’t paying attention) and the Enterprise defensively takes the jet into its tractor beam. Unfortunately, the jet starts disintegrating, so the Enterprise beams aboard the sole pilot, Captain John Christopher. He wants to escape. He tries to escape.

In the meantime, the ship’s computer starts flirting with Captain Kirk, which is really awkward. The ship’s computer was apparently refitted while on Cygnet XIV, a female dominated planet*. 

Anyway, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy convince Captain Christopher to help them out by telling him he has a son who will design the first probe sent to Saturn. Which is really exciting! Because Captain John Christopher doesn’t have a son yet! Kirk and Sulu beam down to the military base to retrieve tapes containing information about the Enterprise’s existence (GOOD JOB SENDING AN ASIAN DOWN TO NORTH AMERICA GUYS, JUST COMPLETELY FORGET RACISM EVER HAPPENED; no, but in all seriousness, if you’re going to run around on the earth’s surface, maybe you should replicate some outfits that are more “current” to avoid detection).

Some more back and forth happens. Eventually they decide to take Captain Christopher back in time to unset any disturbances they may have created. Christopher is pleased as punch to be in outer space, apparently having applied to be part of the space program, but FAILING. What a LOSER. (It’s okay Captain Christopher, I was kidding.) Spock, smart Vulcan devil, has apparently solved the time paradox and it’s super easy to travel back and forth in time! Captain Christopher is returned to his jet. 

OBSERVATIONS
So they bring aboard an jet fighter pilot, and when he enters the bridge, he kind of feels an unease towards the appearance of Spock. But that’s RIDICULOUS because Spock looks like a HUMAN BEING. I have a feeling seeing someone who looks like a Vulcan would be no more unsettling than seeing an albino. Or maybe a dwarf. But furthermore, Captain Christopher doesn’t seem at all bothered by Lt. Uhura presence on the bridge (black female who has achieved high status), and this is the 1960s so…. yea. Where is your racism?! DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. 

*Yo, also: Do you know any women who AREN’T offended when other women talk like ditzy playgirls? What the hell is going on at Cygnet XIV and why do they believe in dumbing down male-female intercommunication? 

Somehow, without trying, this episode has proven to be the most sexist episode yet. I also want to say, unknowingly racist, but maybe I’m just being overly sensitive. 

FUTURAMA
Female engineered computers? Reminds me of the great Futurama episode “Amazon Women in the Mood” : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7umq8jFZW4 

“Have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot living in a manbot’s manputer’s world?”